kind words left unsaid are a waste of existence

golf

This past weekend we mixed it up a bit and became "groupies" of our friend Nick. He was playing in the Utah Open at Oakridge Country Club in Davis County. Since that is basically in our backyard, we decided to tag along. We had so much fun. I have only been to a couple live golf tournaments, but never to actually watch someone who I knew and was cheering on. So, to add the personal element of friendship made it that much more fun. At least for me. Golf is an amazing sport. It is so different to watch live, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself as we followed Nick hole by hole. He is a great golfer. So, keep your eyes open and watch for Nick Nelson in the golf world. He's pretty amazing! Go Nick!

Can't wait to stalk you during the next tournament!

journey

I didn’t know what to do. At least, in my clouded mind, soul, and heart, so full of grief and confusion, in that moment of life, I thought I did not know what to do. But, looking back on that time, I now know that I did. I did know what to do. I did have my own answers. It was just a matter of articulating, processing, and trusting. Trusting my higher self. (That part of each of us that talks to ourselves in our head. That part of each of us that we usually tell to “shut up, you’re thinking crazy!” Only to think back and realize that maybe ‘higher self” was right all along.) It was later in the evening. My husband at the time was down in the TV room, remote in hand, in his evening zone. Meanwhile, upstairs in my dressing room (a little cove to the side of our master where I would get ready for the day) I was face down and sobbing into the carpet. Body shaking, nose running, face soaking wet from tears, puffy eyes, splitting headache. That kind of sobbing. I had been there for quite awhile. I was pleading for someone to just hear me. For something or someone to just tell me what I needed to do! I was in the depths of despair. I was lost and feeling completely alone. I knew in my heart of hearts that this was a major turning point in my life, but which turn to take? I could not decide. I didn’t even know what my options really were. I just knew with my whole soul that something had to change. That I needed different. As I sobbed and sobbed, begged and pleaded, I heard a voice. I heard it so clear. It spoke in my head. I think that up to this point in my life, it was the first time I heard that voice and I didn’t try and shush it and tell it that it was talking crazy. I listened, and it simply said “You know where your path you are on right now it headed. You know what direction that one will take you. But, you will never know any different unless you try. Just go see what is out there. Try. You won’t be stuck, just go find out. You can always come back to here, but how will you know if here is really right unless you go see for yourself? Just go!” Instantly the sobbing ceased. I sat up, leaned against the dresser, and just stared. Stared at the painting that hung on the wall in front of me and listened to the silence. I whispered, “Please just show me that I am not alone and that I won’t be alone” and in the moments after that whisper, I heard a click. Click. Click. The dresser drawer handles were clicking. I knew I was not alone. I felt the warmth, I felt the love. I knew things would be okay. I went to bed. After that night, I left. I moved out of my home that I had shared with my husband. I moved away from the life that we had had together for 11 years. I moved forward. I had to. I knew with great resolve that this was the right thing to do. Thanks to my higher self, thanks to the universal powers and the divine intervention that aided me, I knew. So, as the opposition and resistance came at me from all ends, from him, from immediate family members, from extended family, from neighbors and friends. While they were all trying to tell me of my wrongdoings and poor choices; I stood firm. Because I knew. Looking back at that time in my life I remember the loneliness. I remember the awful feelings of being so wrongly judged and so completely misunderstood. I remember wanting to shout out for everyone to hear that I was nothing that they were judging me to be. But, I did none of that. I remained silent. I thought silence was the best because I did not feel that my life or his was anyone’s true business. I felt that no matter what I said, judgments were already in place and feelings were already strong, so what good would my sentiments really be to anyone? Silence does speak though. It speaks volumes. Maybe I should have shared more. Maybe I should have been vocal. But, I didn’t. I was too tired and sad and frustrated and feeling so alone. I didn’t want to fight anymore. Not with myself or anyone. I just wanted to focus on how life for me could turn in a new direction and begin for me. That is when God sent me Ryan. As a side note here, before I get to Ryan, let’s talk about God. I have struggled for a real long time to articulate what and who God is to me, always failing at each attempt. Is it a he, a she, a real person, a cloud, a power, something to fear, or not fear just love, is it really a father like I was raised to believe, is it a source to keep me in check and constantly provide guilt in my life, or is God even real? Then I read a book. She described God for me. Exactly what I feel, and she said it! Finally! So, for me, (because Liz said it better than I could) this is God: “It is a proper name for the power to which I pray, to that indescribable power which makes me feel “warm”. I generally refer to God as Him, which doesn’t bother me, because in my mind, it is just a convenient personalizing pronoun, not a precise anatomical description or a cause for revolution. I have always responded with breathless excitement to anyone who has ever said that God does not live in a dogmatic scripture or in a distant throne in the sky, but instead abides very close to us indeed---much closer than we can imagine, breathing right through our own hearts. I respond with gratitude to anyone who has ever voyaged to the center of that heart, and who has then returned to the world with a report for the rest of us that God is an experience of supreme love. In the end, what I have come to believe about God is simple. It’s like this---I used to have this really great dog. She came from the pound. She was a mixture of about ten different breeds, but seemed to have inherited the finest features of them all. She was brown. When people asked me, “What kind of dog is that?” I would always give the same answer: “She’s a brown dog.” Similarly, when the question is raised, “What kind of God do you believe in?” my answer is easy: “I believe in a magnificent God.”” So, thanks to my most recent read, I have been able to settle the wrestling inside myself on exactly what I felt about the power that is higher. The divine in my life. Ryan. He came into my life when I was most alone. I had Chal and Jannie and that was about it. Sure, I guess you could say I had family, but from my perspective at that time, not really. They seemed to me to be too busy consoling my soon-to-be ex husband and trying to figure out how to “fix” me. I say this without hostility or judgment or even bitterness. I say this most matter of factly. Because at that time, I really did see things that way. I now know that I may have interpreted the situation a bit harshly, and for that, I now apologize. But, nonetheless, in those moments of time I did not feel the closest to my family. I knew I had a choice. I could hate them and be upset and see them as disloyal and write them off forever, or I could just take care of me and be grateful for what God had given me, and that was Ryan. So, I did get somewhat bitter, and I was upset, but I got over it. I had a bright path a head of me and I was done being sad. Ryan came into my life exactly three days after my night of crying into the carpet. That is how fast intervention sometimes comes. I didn’t choose that. I have no control. It happened because it was time. It was high time for change. Not just for me either, for both of us. It has been said many times that you better be prepared because you never know when life is going to throw you a curve ball. Just so you know, that is true. We were thrown into each others lives at huge turning points for both of us. He was just exiting a seven year relationship and I an eleven year. Together we were ready for change and we had each other to help make the transition a bit easier. It has been four years since then. Four years of growth and change. Four years of building and cleansing. It has been amazing. It has been difficult. It has all been a huge journey of discovery. Discovery that would have never happened if I would not have listened to the voice that told me to “Just Go!” And, now I see that all along I did know what to do, I just needed to trust.

the search is over

Just like the song says: the search is over... at least for this year. Jordan will most likely continue his quest to find that perfect buck, but we're done. He does have until Sept. 11 to do so. We did the annual camp trip to southern Utah again this past weekend and just returned tonight. Home sweet home... AHHH! Running water! What a luxury!

Well. Here are a few photos of what we encountered.

a coyote

some antelope

a comfy campsite

my favorite: fire!

pretty scenery. this waterfall was actually much prettier in real life. my camera just doesn't do it justice.

All in all, it was a good trip for many reasons. We were able to spend more time with Jordan, especially since he had a lot of one-on-one with his dad when they were out hunting. We removed ourselves from the real life, and were able to completely enjoy nature, the peace of it, and the world minus all the chaos. I was able to finally finish reading a book that I had started a few months ago. A book that I devoured and couldn't get enough of once I really got into it. I think I could write a whole post about this book, and I just may do so. It really hit home to me on so many levels. Stay tuned for more on that later. I was able to have a lot of alone time, and one night in particular while I sat by the campfire alone, thinking, contemplating, meditating.... I was able to really take the time to think about perspective and re align myself and my thoughts and attitudes about so many things. They say that fire is a great cleanser for nature; that it brings out new life and burns away the old. That night, the fire was that for me, for my soul. It was healing. More on that later too...

Another really good thing about this trip was that Jordan was able to learn a really valuable lesson on being prepared. I am going to try and convince Ryan to post about that experience and how that was such a teaching moment for him to his son on so many levels. Finally, today when we took Jordan back home to Kanab, we were able to drop him off at the school so that he could take his FINAL test to complete all high school credit requirements for graduation! We also had to track down his old employer so that he could sign off and verify some hours that Jordan worked that could count as school credit hours. After getting that signed off, and taking the test, he is now going to graduate HS and it will be official on 3 September! High Five! Ryan and I were talking on the way home and have decided it is now time for faith. It is now time to be the support system as much as we can without being too invasive and overbearing, and turning the rest of his fate and his path over to a much higher and wiser power. To relinquish that control (because we don't have control anyway) is actually quite empowering and relieving. He is a good kid, we know this. Only time, life experiences, and all the different bumps in the roads, and twists and turns can really teach him what he needs. And we'll be here the whole time for whatever assistance he needs or asks for. (Well... within reason!)

lake lv

If you are looking for something out of the Vegas "norm" but still Vegas, you should try out one of the resorts at Lake Las Vegas. It was relaxing. So nice. The perfect weekend getaway for the two of us. We still indulged in a little night gambling, but for the most part it was sunbathing, enjoying the resort, and of course: meeting new friends and people watching. AHH... the best!

canyon creatures

Ever seen one of these signs?

I thought it was pretty unique and it made me smile. It is not the average day that you go driving along in fear of hitting a 400 year old desert turtle or a gila monster.

Too funny...

We took a drive through Snow Canyon... another first for me, and probably the millionth time for Ryan. It was such a nice day.

week long boot camp

This has been Ryan and me the last 8 months or so as we have struggled to know how to best help Jordan get through high school. It has been a lesson in patience, understanding, hard work, focus, and unconditional love for us.

(It has also been many lessons in Stats, Numbers, Math, English, and Art History!)

Lucky for Jord, he has an amazing father who would go to any extreme to ensure he succeeds and that he has as many options open for his future as possible. For those of you who are parents, I am sure you completely understand. I, on the other hand, as a side liner just trying to be a support and cheerleader, do not fully comprehend or feel that love. Nonetheless, I do love him. I am so grateful to have the chance to experience "parenting" from this end, as it is not only good life lessons for me, but also gives me such a greater appreciation for my husband; a greater respect for the role of parent. Here are all the packets of homework to fulfill his required credits. Boot camp began last Wednesday...and the homework and packet part is complete TODAY! What a feat! It was huge. Like 12-15 hours a day of reading, studying, comprehending, writing, and brain frying huge!

Soon he will have one of these and his life can really begin! We are so proud of you Jord and can't wait to see your path of opportunity unfold for you.

Now, go take those two tests and send us a photo of you with your diploma!!!

new moon

I have been asked the question so many times lately, I just thought I would put this out there as a little teaser. To answer:

Yes, Private Design will be hosting another event for the Twilight series book

New Moon.

As you can see above, it comes out in November. So, get ready and if you are interested in attending our event, stay tuned as more information will follow soon. We are working with Jordan Commons again, and are almost positive that we will be able to secure an early Premiere pre-screen show at 9:30 pm...even though it doesn't officially come out till midnight!

Check in with us in the next few weeks as we are sure to have more definite information for all you Twilight groupies!

If you came to our event last year, then you already know why you want to come this year! If not... ask someone who came; they will tell you how fun it was!

pcaf

It was time again this past weekend for our trip up to the arts festival in Park City. It was a gorgeous weekend. Sunny, breezy, and just the perfect amount of heat. We checked into our little condo right on Main Street called the April Inn. So cute. And, PERFECT location! Right in the heart of the festival. We met up with some friends later Saturday night at the Sidecar... Best pizza ever. Well, NYC is better, but this is dang close! the april inn

I liked this painting. It looks like some of those women up there. We LOVED the people watching as always. We met some new friends and spent Sunday afternoon with them in the VIP outdoor lounge. It was great fun and free! Score!

But, more than anything, the reason we love the PCAF is for the music! It is so amazing to see all this local talent! It is acoustic and incredible. All day long you can listen to different artists at the different music venues that are set up all along Main. Way cool. Our favorite musician this year by far is Brett Turner. He is from Ogden. He started playing guitar at age 20, he is 29 now and is sure to be a self made famous musician. We listened to him in the VIP lounge, and then followed him up later that day to the Star Bar where he had another performance. He is way worth checking out and following around. He told us he is at Popular Street Pub in SLC every Wednesday, and then up at Snow Basin on Sundays (but not every one). Check him out here. We love our new friend Brett and can't wait to see him on his way to stardom!